Contrary to the assertion by David (02:35)[1], the custody evaluation process is NOT designed to protect children. It is designed to gather information for the court.  In the process, it intrudes upon children’s lives, invades their privacy and increases their anxiety.

And this applies even to mental health professionals. As the psychologist points out to Emily “I’m not your therapist.  I’m merely here to evaluate your family for the court…” (08:58).  Moreover, even where professionals scrupulously avoid putting children to a choice between parents, the children nevertheless find themselves in that very position, as nine-year-old Nicky does in the Court Services waiting room (17:01).  Similarly, twelve-year-old Emily feels trapped when asked if it was her father who created her belief that the custody battle is her mother’s fault (09:34).

David and Laura believe their children will be protected by judges (02:26), professionals (02:35), and through their own efforts (02:23; 20:56).  The truth is that no one can protect children from the intrusions, humiliations and untenable situations inherent in contested custody cases.

Where children may be at risk due to a parent’s mental illness, untreated substance abuse, neglect or abuse, court intervention may well be necessary to protect them.  Otherwise, parents and their counsel have an obligation to try to resolve child-related issues as quickly as possible.

[1] References are to the film time code. The Talk to Strangers professional version includes, besides the film and parents’ guide, a “Quick Reference Index.” That Index is organized around the eight myths of custody litigation, providing time code references to pertinent sections of the film. The DVD version of the film is chaptered to ease navigation during instructional use.

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Like the other myths Mom and Dad articulate, this one contains a kernel of truth—but only a kernel—and is ultimately dispelled as the story unfolds.

For example, we see Nick waiting anxiously for Ms. Castillo’s home visit as we hear Laura on the phone describing the custody evaluation process as “a marathon” for the kids (13:09). Nick is visibly uncomfortable throughout this sequence, and even more so later in his bedroom where he conceals a stuffed animal beneath his pillow (13:21) and defiantly repositions a toy dinosaur that Castillo has picked up to take a closer look at (13:37).

At the Court Services Office in the courthouse, Emily is shocked to learn that she won’t be able to speak to the judge about her preference to live with David (16:35). Coupled with her parents’ refusal to discuss “The Case” with the children, Emily realizes that she is unable to communicate with “the only ones who count” (16:45). And when Castillo has finished speaking with Emily and calls out Nick’s name in the waiting room (17:17), his reluctance is palpable.

Children do want to be heard, but by their parents, not strangers from the court system.

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Nick is humiliated at being taken off the football field by Laura to meet with the attorney for the minor children (04:47) [1] , and again when he returns to try on the last team jersey left, which is ridiculously large (07:30). We also see Nick trying to conceal a stuffed animal from Family Services Officer Ms. Castillo during her home visit (13:21).  Even courthouse security procedures cause Emily discomfiture (15:30).

In isolation, these incidents are hardly calamities.  But the cumulative effect of them can be. And that’s especially true when you add in the more serious compromising situations the children face such as when Nick suddenly has to explain to David, his preference to live with Laura (17:01), and Emily is asked if it was David who told her that the custody battle was Laura’s fault (09:34).

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Not to nitpick, but love isn’t the only thing the world has too little of. These days, it seems there’s an increasingly short supply of empathy as well. And lack of empathy can be a serious hindrance to settling your case, whether you choose ADR or a court-based divorce.

Spouses who use empathy to understand and identify with each other’s emotions and attitudes have a decided advantage in settling their cases. Borrowing from another lyric, if you can “walk a mile in your (spouse’s) shoes,” you’re likely to arrive at “yes” that much faster, easier and cheaper. Try to experience emotions and attitudes such as anxiety or entitlement that your spouse may have regarding certain issues. The resulting insights can be of tremendous assistance to you during settlement negotiation.

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This is the third of the eight myths that parents David and Laura Sherwood voice in #TalktoStrangersFilm to rationalize their custody litigation. They both express confidence in their ability to protect their children, 12-year-old Emily and 9-year-ols Nicholas (02:45) from emotional harm.

In fact, David doesn’t consider the custody litigation a “battle” (03:02). As the story develops, however, we see how the custody evaluation process itself takes a toll on children. Even where parents are not overly antagonistic toward each other, the custody evaluation process itself can humiliate, frighten and compromise kids.

Obviously, we’d prefer to see even parents litigating custody or access try to shield their kids from their antagonism, and to agree upon what information to share with the kids in order to keep the kids’ anxiety somewhat under control. The Sherwoods fit this description; it’s just that their thinking, based on their belief in the myths of custody litigation, is misguided. So, parents acting “well” in the context of ongoing custody/access litigation is no guarantee that children will not be on the road to emotional harm, as Emily and Nicky may well be.

One could argue that no parent who unnecessarily subjects children to the custody process is acting properly. Unfortunately, this too describes the Sherwoods, whose issue is whether physical custody will be shared equally (David’s position) or divided in a more “traditional” way, with the kids living primarily with Laura. This issue is one that can be fairly easily settled, and thus should be. Neither the film nor its accompanying parents’ guide are intended to address situations where court intervention is necessary, such as where there is abuse or parents with untreated emotional or addiction issues.

We also want the professionals involved to exhibit sensitivity to the plight of the children and to their vulnerabilities. In the film we see an attorney for the minor children, a court-appointed evaluating psychologist and a Court Services Officer, all of whom acquit themselves well. But again, adults acting well will not ensure that children won’t be harmed by the process.

Whether or not the custody litigation is considered a “battle,” children are its casualties.

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Parents contemplating child custody or access battles often grasp for reasons to justify subjecting their children to an ordeal that may be more about the parents’ warfare than the children’s welfare. Many of those parents use popular myths about child-related litigation to rationalize placing their kids on the custody battlefield.

Where children are at risk for abuse or neglect, family court orders may well be necessary to protect them. Parents resorting to the courts for those purposes don’t need myths—or any excuse at all—to justify keeping their children safe. It’s the parents who litigate children’s issues because they’re unwilling to do the heavy lifting required to resolve them, who find solace in custody myths.

One of the most popular of those myths is that children’s innate resilience enables them to bounce back from all that divorce throws at them. Like many myths, it parlays a limited observation—that children can be resilient—into a kind of universal truth.

Some children are in fact characteristically quite resilient. Others are able to muster emotional hardiness in certain situations. But all children are not resilient in all circumstances.

It’s not unusual for children to bounce back from adversity. Indeed, good parents encourage and teach children to do just that. What good parents don’t do is create unnecessary challenges that children are entirely unprepared to handle.

Research performed five years ago at Duke University suggests that some children have a “resilience gene” that makes them better able to deal with parents despite an excess of strife. Other research has demonstrated that most children can be taught resilience skills.

But what about children who don’t have the ideal genetics or the necessary skills to deal with battling parents? For those children, the high level of parental conflict typically experienced during custody battles can cause serious and enduring emotional harm. That’s why parents—and their counsel—should try everything reasonably possible to avoid subjecting children to the trauma of custody/access battles.

My short film, Talk to Strangers is the story of two such children, 12-year-old Emily Sherwood and her 9-year-old brother Nicky. As their parents’ custody litigation winds its way slowly through the system, we see little sign of resilience in either child. What we see instead is a steady deterioration of the kids’ quality of life.

At the beginning of the story the children’s mother, Laura Sherwood declares that the siblings’ close relationship will be a “big help” to them during the custody case. Initially, this appears to be a reasonable prediction. Flashbacks reveal the siblings horsing around in Nicky’s room, and Emily cheering her brother’s heroics on the football field. Indeed in the first conversation we see between the siblings, Emily offers Nicky reassurance regarding his upcoming meeting with counsel to the children.

“You know how to handle grown-ups,” Emily bestows her pre-adolescent wisdom upon Nicky. “Just agree with them until they go away!”

But the anxieties and compromising situations spawned by the custody case take their toll on Emily and Nicky’s relationship. Emily becomes increasingly irritable and unavailable to Nicky, refusing to answer his questions about the divorce, and ultimately locking him out of her room.

Nicky loses track of his schoolbooks, demonstrates regressive behavior by slipping into his mother’s bed following nightmares, and quits football after forgetting plays because his mind got “all filled up” with a list of questions about his future that he carries in his pocket.

The literature is replete with those types of behavioral changes among children experiencing prolonged, high-level parental conflict. Such changes can signal risk of significant emotional disorder that parents embroiled in high-conflict divorce are often too preoccupied to notice.

Children’s amazing resilience protects them during divorce. Really?

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This is the first of eight myths articulated by fictional parents David and Laura Sherwood at the outset of the short film Talk to Strangers. The Sherwoods are interviewed by a filmmaker as they begin to contest custody of their two children, twelve-year-old Emily and nine-year-old Nicholas.

“We do a pretty good job of insulating our kids,” says Laura, confident that she and David can control the custody case’s impact upon their kids. And later on, we see Laura reminding Emily, “You know we don’t talk to you kids about the case.”

Isolated thus by her parents, it’s not surprising that Emily explodes when she learns that not only can’t she discuss her future living situation with her parents; she won’t be allowed to communicate her feelings directly to the judge either.

“Great!” she exclaims, “I can’t talk to the judge OR my parents—the only people who count?”

Shielding children from the antagonisms of divorce, and trying to insulate them from the divorce altogether, are two very different things. It’s impossible to “insulate” children from divorce, especially contested custody or access cases that preoccupy both parents and children. And even if it were possible, children don’t need or want it. Ultimately, Nick quits his football team because he can’t remember the plays, what with his mind “all filled up” with the list of questions he carries in his pocket; questions about the divorce that he’s unable to ask his parents. And as the kids feel increasingly adrift in a sea of uncertainty, their relationship deteriorates as well.

Parents who feel they are helping their children by refusing to discuss the divorce, are not only attempting the impossible. They are also adding to the children’s anxiety by ignoring their desperate desire to know where and with whom they will be living.

There is a middle ground where parents share agreed-upon general statements of the progress of the divorce without unnecessary detail or accusations of blame. Parents seeking that middle ground are working toward a goal that is both attainable and in the children’s best interest. It’s not always easy to get there, but it’s well worth the effort.

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Building Your Divorce Parenting Goal Statement

During the early days of your divorce or separation, before lines are drawn in the sand and we lawyers get involved, try to nurture a spirit of cooperation with your co-parent. It may be distasteful. It may be difficult. But it needs to be done.

Why? Because how your kids fare during your divorce depends mightily upon how you and your co-parent conduct yourselves. Parents who can cooperate in putting together their own plan for sharing time with, and making decisions regarding the kids, are much more likely to adhere to that plan. And the sooner that happens the better for children who yearn for the return of security and routine in lives that have been turned upside down.

Ultimately, the goal is a long-term “parenting plan” that will contain a schedule, decision-making rules, and other provisions relating to the children’s health and welfare. The best plans are built upon a foundation of shared child-related goals and cooperation between co-parents.

Improving communication with your co-parent

Cooperation begins with the ability to discuss child-related issues productively despite your new, stressful circumstances. Take a few minutes to think about how you and your co-parent have been communicating lately. Then consider the following goals to help improve and focus that communication upon what’s best for your kids:

1. Keep your conversations under control by agreeing ahead of time what will be discussed.
2. Focus on current issues without dredging up old problems, conflicts or vulnerabilities.
3. Don’t automatically assume that your co-parent’s motivations or intentions are hostile.
4. Remain calm and try to see issues from your co-parent’s standpoint.
5. Steer communications toward constructive results rather than focusing on who is “wrong” or at fault.

Suggest that your co-parent strive for these goals as well. But even if you are rebuffed, work toward them on your own. You never know—being composed, empathetic and properly focused with your co-parent just might be contagious.

Once you’ve done as much as you can to improve communication, you’re ready to move on to the next step in building divorce co-parenting: a “Parenting Goal Statement.”

The Parenting Goal Statement

Parenting goal statements begin the new co-parenting relationship with a written list of shared beliefs and rules of conduct that redirect the focus from parents’ conflict to children’s needs. They create momentum for constructive dialogue and help frame your parenting plan.

Your parenting goal statement should include the following:

1. We will shield our children from our conflict.
2. We will not use our children as confidants or messengers between us.
3. We will be reasonable and flexible in sharing time with the children prior to agreeing on a formal parenting plan.
4. We will deal with child-related issues completely separate from financial ones.
5. We will not criticize each other in front of our children or to others who are in their lives.
6. We will nurture our children’s love for us both.
7. We will agree on what information we will share with the children about the divorce.
8. We will encourage our children to express their feelings, but we will make the decisions.
9. We will share information about our children’s well-being, schoolwork, activities and schedules.
10. We will make our best effort to maintain similar, consistent rules of conduct for the children.
11. We will reassure our children that they will continue to have two parents who love them, and that the failure of our marriage is in no way a result of anything they have done or failed to do.
12. Because our children will suffer as long as issues remain unresolved regarding them, we will start work as soon as possible on resolving those issues in a way that reflects the values stated above.

Children in high-conflict divorces are at risk for lasting emotional harm. Responsible parents can avoid that with a mindful, methodical approach to serving their children’s needs. That begins with ground rules for co-parent interaction in the early days after separation and progresses to agreement on shared parenting values and goals. With that foundation, the final step of a formal parenting plan will be much easier to achieve.

Long after your divorce is over you’ll still be a co-parent. Be a hero to your kids by getting that relationship off to a good start.

* * *

Larry Sarezky is a veteran family law attorney, and award-winning writer and filmmaker whose work focuses upon bettering the lives of divorcing spouses and their children. Learn more about Larry’s book Divorce, Simply Stated (2nd ed.) —named by Book Authority as “The #1 Best Family Law Book of All Time” —at divorcesimplystated.com. Learn more about Talk to Strangers, Larry’s Telly Award-winning film that deters unnecessary child access and custody battles, at childcustodyfilm.com.

#divorce #coparenting #familylaw #childsupport #divorcedmom #divorcesupport #divorcecoach #familylawyer #divorcelawyer #childcustody #divorceattorney #divorceadvice #divorcesimplystated #childcustodyfilm #parentingplan

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May 22, 2017

Divorce Attorney/Mediator Wins Book Award

A Fairfield CT divorce lawyer/mediator’s unique divorce how-to book has won a National Indie Excellence Award for its uniquely compassionate, plain language explanation of divorce essentials plus rarely discussed “inside tips” on achieving more in divorce while worrying and spending less.

Fairfield, CT – Fairfield Connecticut divorce attorney and mediator Larry Sarezky has
won a 2017 National Indie Excellence Award for his family law how-to book, Divorce,
Simply Stated. The prestigious book competition is open to all English language books
from small, medium, university, self and independent publishers.

Sarezky is a past Chair of the Connecticut Bar Association’s Family Law Section whose
clients have included Fortune 500 CEO’s, MLB Hall of Famers, and Oscar, Grammy,
and Emmy winners. He has lectured to lawyers, judges, and therapists throughout the
U.S., and his legal commentaries have appeared in The Huffington Post and numerous
other publications. In recent years, Sarezky has made a second career of reducing the
financial and emotional burdens of divorce, especially for parents and children.

The NIEA award adds to the national acclaim for the Amazon #1 best seller: “… the
book stands out for its calm, deliberate, and winning tone, which feels both reassuring
and nurturing,” says Foreword Clarion Reviews “from the kind of divorce lawyer anyone
would want: funny, kind, laser-focused, nonjudgmental, and extremely informative.” Adds American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers past president Arthur Balbirer, ““Sarezky has written simply the best book of its kind.”

“I wanted to offer more than the standard divorce how-to book,” says Sarezky. “At this
point in my career, I wanted to share the strategies that have enabled my clients to
achieve their goals while avoiding the mistakes that plague divorcing spouses.”

To that end, the book includes rarely discussed tips from a veteran divorce insider on
maximizing results while minimizing expense, worry and acrimony. In addition to the
divorce essentials, the book also contains stress-reducing humor, and a holistic
approach to help readers cope, organize, relax, and even sleep better during separation
and divorce. To all of this, Sarezky adds personal touches such as illustrations by his 10-
year-old granddaughter intended to keep separating parents focused on their children’s
needs.

Saving money is a major theme of Divorce, Simply Stated. Not shy about poking fun at
his colleagues—or sharing their secrets—Sarezky explains divorce lawyers’ billing
practices and how to avoid huge legal bills that compound — rather than solve — clients’
problems. He also discusses additional opportunities for savings, including taking
advantage of special divorce tax rules and a “be-your-own-paralegal” strategy for
readers to organize their own cases much the way trial lawyers do.

Divorce, Simply Stated is available at amazon.com. To learn more about the book, visit
www.DivorceSimplyStated.com.

Sarezky’s other efforts to ease the burdens of divorce and separation include his
nationally acclaimed Telly Award-winning custody film, Talk To Strangers. The 25-
minute dramatic film is in use throughout the U.S. and abroad to dissuade parents from
pursuing unnecessary custody and other child-related litigation. It is accompanied by a
guide to help separating parents co-parent productively. “Watch it and learn!” declares
Harvard’s Alan Dershowitz about the film, which was created to “bring parents to their
senses.” More about the film can be found at www.ChildCustodyFilm.com.

For verification and interviews, contact: Larry Sarezky or Beverly Berkson:
203-331-0828
info@DivorceSimplyStated.com
Lsarezky@gmail.com
For more information regarding Divorce, Simply Stated, visit  www.DivorceSimplyStated.com.
For more information regarding the Talk to Strangers film and parents guide, visit www.ChildCustodyFilm.com

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Okay, so maybe it wasn’t one of my best decisions. But it wasn’t one of those mistakes that takes years to recover from. Like hiring a high-priced divorce lawyer you don’t need.

If your divorce case is not overly complicated, and your budget (or gag-reflex) rules out giant legal bills, don’t pay extra for hood ornaments. There are lawyers out there who can do just as good a job as the top names in your area, without charging top dollar.

The trick is to find them.

Who’s in the Basement?

You might have difficulty thinking of any lawyer as a “bargain.” Putting aside that debate, lawyers who charge less than they could, can be found in what I call the “Quality Divorce Lawyer Bargain Basement.” These lawyers:

• Have practiced exclusively in the family law field for at least the past 5 years
• Have been trained during that time either at a top “boutique” firm that handles only matrimonial cases, or in the matrimonial department of a larger respected law firm
• Are still associates in their firms (have not yet made partner or “principal”) and thus charge less than the firm’s top lawyers.

Besides being less expensive, Bargain Basement lawyers are particularly desirable because they:

• Bring high energy to your case, due to youthful exuberance and the desire to build their own client base
• Are typically more empathetic than many of their older, battle-weary colleagues
• Continue to be mentored by firm partners who rank among the best family lawyers in the area, and are eager to use what they’ve learned in your case
• Have more family law experience than many general practitioners who have been lawyering for far longer

Working alongside accomplished matrimonial lawyers on a wide variety and heavy volume of family law cases, Bargain Basement lawyers pick up strategies and tactics that can take other family lawyers much longer to learn, if they ever do. And should something come up for which the youngsters are not prepared, top-notch advice is just down the hall.

Of course, not every junior lawyer in a matrimonial law firm is a “bargain.” Some firms bill for their associates’ time at hourly rates that exceed those of more experienced lawyers in the area. To measure how aggressively a particular firm charges for its associates, get a feel for local lawyers’ hourly rates. Call a few law offices and ask what their lawyers charge in divorce cases. And ask folks you know who are divorcing or have recently divorced, how much they paid.

One note of caution regarding fees: Find out not only the lawyers’ hourly rates but also if they charge in minimum “increments” (portions of an hour) rather than for actual minutes; and if so, what those increments are. Minimum billing increments of 1/10 of an hour (6 minutes) are common. But try to avoid lawyers who charge a minimum of 2/10 of an hour (12 minutes), even for a three-minute phone call.

Finally, once you think you may have found your Bargain Baby, test your preference by gathering opinions about the lawyer from local professionals such as other lawyers, divorce coaches, divorce financial analysts or therapists who are frequently involved with divorcing families.

How Do I Get Down to the Basement?

There are a number of routes to the Quality Divorce Lawyer Bargain Basement. One of the best begins at the website of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML), a national organization of highly skilled and respected divorce lawyers. Visit www.aaml.org/find-a-lawyer to get the names and websites of local AAML members. Then go to their law firm websites and select the lawyer bio section. Skip the higher-priced AAML partners and focus on the associates. When you find some with the qualifications mentioned above, congratulations! You’ve found the Bargain Basement!

Another excellent route to the Bargain Basement is available in states that certify family law specialists. To find out if your state has such a process—and which lawyers meet its qualifications—search on-line for “certified specialist [your state] Bar Association.” Then follow the steps above.

A third option is to begin your search with recommendations from the professionals mentioned above. Endorsements by trusted professionals are always valuable, whether to begin your search or later, to test your tentative choices.

Legal fees pile up quickly during divorce. You probably don’t need to land the biggest, most expensive fish in the pond. Instead, reel in a quality lawyer at a discount.

Learn much more about saving money in divorce
in Larry Sarezky’s new book
DIVORCE, SIMPLY STATED, available at amazon.com

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